So Long, my Lord

So long as we are lost in the shadows

            Your memory will fade into the ash beneath our feet.

 

So long as we wallow in our self importance

Your pricelessness will be buried beneath our egotistical mindset.

 

So long as we sink in our pocketfuls of power

Your golden streets will relinquish beneath the hierarchy of our currency.

 

So long as sameness defines our acceptance into society

Your uniqueness will be doused in the fumes of our cultures’ favorite hair dye.

 

So long as morality is drowned in the perversity of the latest fashion

statement Your purity will do the same.

 

So long as Your gift is mistaken for reward

Your death will lose all meaning in the regulations of religiosity.

 

So long as we remember ourselves

            You will be forgotten.

 

So long, my Lord.

Oh The Blood

One of my best friends - Gage Speas - left ABQ yesterday morning to move to Kentucky to join the band "Oh The Blood" (www.myspace.com/ohthebloodband). Be sure to check those guys out. It was funny - me and all my friends just acted all pissed at him and told him we hope his dreams fail so that he comes back home to us. Haha. I'm super excited for him - chasing those dreams. The Lord is opening doors for him, and I'm happy that he's walking through them. 

The tour that I booked is finally over. It ended this previous Thursday. Good God, those last couple of months were probably the most stressful times I've ever encountered with that tour, among other things. In the Midst of Lions are incredible guys, all of them - ITMOL, All Or Nothing, In Separate Cities and Tristan Betrayal - all incredible guys. I appreciate all of them so much for going out on the VA Tour. (We're friends... if you ever read this, thank you, you guys are beautiful people.)

I started reading Searching for God Knows What by the notorious D. Miller for probably the second or third time this last week. That book (other than the Gospel) is probably the most influential book that I've ever read in regards to my spiritual "walk" ("Christianese") and overall forming of opinions about my relationship with God, and other people, for that matter. 

Anyway, so there's that. And I've been learning some new stuff and re-learning some old stuff through that. Pretty much, I picked up that book because I don't even know where to start in the Bible, which is what I'd like to be excited about reading, but I'm just not. 

Or, I wasn't. But I picked up Proverbs last week and I'm still not thrilled about it, but it's growing on me and honestly it's just completely stupid how relevant that book is when you pick it back up again. It's like - okay - what am I going to read? Pick up Proverbs. 

Gain wisdom. 

Listen to good counsel.

Pay heed to your parent's insight.

Stay away from the immoral woman. 

Loyalty. 

Accepting correction. 

Okay cool then well how's about we speak directly and forcefully into all of the exact places that would probably be fantastic for me to learn about? Freakin' A. But you know I can't help but smile about stuff like this. I'm not a big believer in the whole "well for my personal Bible studies I just close my eyes and flip the Bible open and point and then read for five minutes from there" - but it was cool knowing that the Lord had something to say to me and he guided me there when I didn't know where to start. 

So my car's broken down right now. I need a new battery, I think, but I can't afford a new battery, so I'm investing in used Craigslist bike tires and I'm going to get in shape which is a lot better than driving anyway. I am going to tour this summer. I don't know how. I want to pull a little hobo thing for a while and hitchhike around and travel - I think that I would just like to split, basically. I'm working on some new material and have talked to a couple people about throwing down some recordings for the demo (which I'm probably going to have to go into debt to do, but what artist doesn't, right?) and getting that out. Top priority. TOP. (Other than rent...)

Veil Arms is going well though. We have A Plea for Purging and whole bunch of amazing bands on that package this... uh... Tuesday. At Telos House. If ya'll would like to come down that would be fantastic. I'm really excited about that show. 

So this poem came out of my Proverbs readings:

BE THE CHANGE...

...said vipers! tigers!
reassemble, rearrange!
(i long to live as a lion so i violently tuff up my mane)
oh high king of heaven,
my victory won!!
(but i could still taste the soot in my lungs
when that chorus was finally sung)
i called you so often, but you never came
i reached out to you! but you paid no attention
and as wisdom shouts out into the noisy streets
i will cusp my ears tight in stubborn pretension
("how terrible for you who lie awake at night, thinking up evil plans")
BARREL LOADED!!! (to your brother...)
Abel! run for cover!
if you tilt, i tilt your world in my hands -
take up my life with fraud and violence, and serpent i will meet your demands!

bag lady, you know I heard you sing and
(or rumor has it) you believed in me
...and december's finally set me free... 
(but Mary! i've forgotten just what it means to breathe!)
and as she held baby jesus so very closely (to her bosom, to her soul)
i will cling tightly to my demons in the dark and imagine what it's like
to be
entirely
whole!!!!

singers, did you feel the ground shake beneath you
when your mustard seed fell deep in dark soil?
but i called out "TORTURE!" amongst the scoffers
(and though the ground is once more fertile)
i recoil...

...I RECOIL!!!...

and as his mother's blood begins to boil,
(and as we pollute god's lips with gin and oil)
i've ne're witnessed such turmoil

as when his heart reflected mine! (and, oh, on that note, my god died)

be the change!
said mother, father,
brother, sister, son, daughter,
i come to you (the porno pauper) with understanding in my open hands
and a tired knowledge in my eyes
(if this beauty is so sacred, how does it sell so fast?) 
i still remember the first time i died ... 
-and oh so unknowingly- gave it a second try

BUT LOVE IS PATIENT!!! LOVE IS KIND!!!
and somewhere amongst this mishap i was allowed to survive

be the change, said angels, demons,
reassemble, rearrange!
i long to live as a lion
so i study him studying me violently tuff up my mane...

Today's Musings

First of all, Creed is getting back together. I can't imagine the flak I'll get from people for saying this, but Creed was my favorite band in Mid-High, and if they come anywhere near me, I'm freakin' going.

Secondly... Creed is getting back together.

Thirdly... Scott Stapp shaved his head. What if Creed came back as a hardcore band and he did two-steps on stage?

On a serious note, I have been super, incredibly, undeniably lethargic in my relationship with the Lord, and I'm frickin sick of it and ashamed of it. It pisses me off, if you want to know the truth. I miss my first love, and I was talking to him about it a couple of minutes ago, and felt the strongest essence of the words:

"WELL THEN FREAKIN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, LEVI! I MISS YOU TOO!"

My friend Oscar today told me "Seek first the kingdom of heaven..." and I just can't help but think that that piece of advice, which should be first in my mind, has been buried , or I've been ignoring it.

And so I am going to spend to time with Jesus again, because I'm at a loss for any other options. I was reading a blog today by a dude named Chad Johnson. He owns a label called Come and Live (which you should check out) and here's the link to the blog he wrote:

http://comeandlive.blogspot.com/

The blog entitled "Anxiety is not my friend" is what did it for me - the kicker; the clincher, maybe.

I love you guys - if any of you would like to help keep me accountable as to what I've been doing or will be trying to do in my relationship with God, that would be fantastic - Lord knows I need it. I'll try my best to send out updates of what has been going on. Maybe getting all of this out in the open will help me.

Not to be frickin' vulnerable or anything.

Love you,
Levi

Mean Everything to Nothing

I've been listening to the new Manchester Orchestra album over and over and over and over and it's really good.

You should listen to it, too.

I went to see Korn last night, which is pretty random but it was a really good show. I think they all must hate each other though - there was absolutely no band-member interaction whatsoever. Like, none. They all just minded their own business and ignored one another. Maybe that's just how they are, but you'd think they'd at least - uh - mingle.

Put in an application to Starbucks ... again. I don't know how well I did on the interview, honestly, cause I couldn't care less whether I get it or not. I need it, I suppose, because I need the money - which should probably mean that I should care, but I just can't muster the energy. I think that if I don't get it I will just push ahead with full force on touring.

Actually maybe I'll do that regardless. I don't want to be THAT employee that gets the job and then quits, but I don't really want to be an employee their again regardless.

Unfortunately, money is a necessity, so I think that I hope that I get it anyway.

I'm an incredible decisive person, obviously.

Played a show this weekend in Flagstaff... That was really fun. Came out breaking even and got to hang out with friends there - what could be better? The Heavy Tour is almost done and then after that I'm freakin' done with booking except for a couple small things here and there, and I'm so happy about that. It's bittersweet, because I want to be able to bless the bands that I wanted to do touring for, but I just can't. Veil Arms just can't.

I started reading SEARCHING FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT by Donald Miller for the second or third time, and I'm really excited about that. That is probably the most influential book that I've ever read in relation to what I think about human spirituality and the way that I want to conduct my "walk" with the Lord (there's that Christian-ese there). I strongly suggest it - to everyone.

I just finished reading Pet Sematary. That was good, but creepy, but good.

Wow, this journal entry sucks. I'll write later when I have something worthwhile to say.

LOVELOVELOVE

Time Management

Sucks. Or, at least, I suck at it. I used to be pretty decent at it, but my world has become a clutterbomb as of late and you know those times when you have so much to do that you don't do any of it? 

Yeah. 

I'm eating a salad from McDonalds. Surprisingly, they have good salads. Southwest Crispy Chicken baby. 

Yeah. 

Veil Arms just confirmed August Burns Red for ... April 30th, I believe? Last time they were here, over 600 kids came out. I swear, that band exploded since I first heard them... and I don't really foresee them getting any smaller so we'll see how this one goes. 

I'm going to play a worship night at Joshua's Vineyard this Saturday - day after tomorrow, I guess. Doing an Easter poem that I wrote for another church that didn't end up using it. I still have to memorize it. Guess I'll do that tonight. Hopefully it goes over well. 

The Heavy Tour is running relatively smoothly, which is something I'm happy about. (Knock on wood.)

I'm not really incredibly interesting today, but I felt like writing something down - to remember it, anyway. If I don't write I don't remember anything. 

What is there to remember about today, again? 

My lip rings hurt a lot...

I think that if they don't heal soon, I will take them out. This sucks. I don't want to take them out, but I don't want them to be ugly and gross and infected for the rest of my life, either. I tried to play this harmonica part that I learned for my set, and I can't do it 'cause my freaking snakebites hurt to bad. 

Me and my grand ideas. 

A good friend of mine is in town from - where is he in town from? I forget, but he's in town anyway and we're all supposed to hang out. I'm excited for that - hoping it doesn't turn into a huge party-sesh, but stoked to see him (and the rest of my friends, for that matter) nonetheless. 

I'm happy to be done with the week. My plan for the weekend is - make my mom and sister a birthday present. I don't have money for rent, let alone money for presents. It's a humbling feeling, not being able to get your own family presents for their birthday. Then again - I suppose it's pretty privileged feeling being an American that expects presents for a day of the year, too. (Which isn't to get myself off the hook - but I figure having food and roofs is a pretty cool thing.)

Now I just sound like an insensitive jerk. I think a lot of my words have been coming out nice and crappy lately - due to stress or irritability or whatever else. 

Sorry, world.

Sorry, God. 

Anyway - Flyleaf is playing in the background at the shop I'm sitting in. I go back and forth on these guys but they have an entertaining live performance, and Lacey Mosley wears those hot sunflower hippie dress things and spins in circles and is beautiful. 

I'm excited to play next week. That will be fun. Just finished reading The Heroin Diaries. That was crazy. 

I've had this chorus in my head all day:

I CAN SEE A LIGHT THAT IS COMING

FOR THOSE THAT HOLD ON

AND THERE WILL BE AN END TO THESE TROUBLES

BUT UNTIL THAT DAY COMES

STILL I WILL PRAISE YOU

God has to stretch you...

... in order for you to grow strong. 

Being stretched sucks. The strength at the end of the stretching rocks, but the fatigue is hard to get through. These last couple of months have bee godawful, but I feel that the Lord is preparing me, us, whoever, for something beautiful at the end of this tunnel. I was getting some work done at Heart & Soul on Tuesday (go get work done there), and Ericksen was talking to me about how it's when times are at their darkest that the brightest light shines. It's been a dark tunnel for the last couple of months. Pay has been... eh... nonexistent and work has been busier than it's ever been and I've been struggling with how to balance personal life and work life and am just now finding a thin red line to mark the barrier of what was becoming a dangerous schedule without any separation whatsoever. 

I wrote this song for the occasion:

MY GOD IS ONLY AS BIG AS I LET HIM BE

and I am not gonna limit my God with my disbelief

My God has always, always taken care of me

and I am not gonna limit my God with uncertainty

I DON'T HAVE MUCH!

(but it might amount to a mustard seed)

I pray for miracles (and then I breathe...)

I beg and scream for signs and wonders - 

and then my heart keeps its beat

You've got to go through the fire to be refined 

and there's a huge sense of helplessness in a hopeless time

I am Yours, and You are mine

(and we are one in a kind)

SO SANG THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

when I was not strong enough to sing anything

And if you care and provide for the least of these

then how much more do you care for me?

I DON'T HAVE MUCH

BUT IT MIGHT AMOUNT TO A MUSTARD SEED

And I have seen you move mountains

and command the winds and waves of the seas 

on a whim much smaller than me!

Singing:

GOD IS BIGGER THAN THE AIR I BREATHE! 

THE WORLD WILL LEAVE! 

AND GOD WILL SAVE THE DAY

AND ALL WILL SING...

MY GLORIOUS!

My Glorious!

So, yeah... one of these days I want to collaborate with a worship band - maybe like, The Glorious Unseen or something - and write a spoken-word-combined-with-worship-CD. I wonder how far out of an idea that is?

I wonder if they'd be down for it? I don't know. 

Anyway. There's that. I've got to get back to work. Just wanted to give an update and let you know I love ya. 

Levi