Proverbs 1

What do you have to do in order to grow weeds?

Nothing! Now, you want to tend a garden that has fruitful harvest? 

You're going to have to pull weeds every single day. You take a week or two off, you're right back to where you started.

It's the same thing with the human heart. You have to pull weeds, you have to prune your harvest, every single day. 

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, 

but fools despise wisdom and discipline." 

You either fear God, and that's the beginning of wisdom, 

or you don't, and that's the beginning of folly. 

"He who hates discipline hates knowledge."

How can you hate God's knowledge, practically? What do you have to do to hate God's knowledge?

Just don't read the scriptures! "Well I'm not very good, I don't really read the scriptures ever."

Well that's because you hate knowledge. 

The reason that most people don't read scripture isn't because they don't understand it, but because they DO understand it and they don't like what it says. 

Mark Twain: "It's not the parts of the Bible that I don't understand that trouble me. It's the parts of the Bible that I don't understand that really trouble me."

Do you love what God loves, and do you hate what God hates?

What does God love? God, the Father, loves the Son. So we should love the Son. 

God loves wisdom and knowledge, and we should love wisdom and knowledge. 

And wisdom and knowledge are hidden where? In Christ!

So we should pursue Christ, and we should fear him, and what happens, when that happens, is that we will naturally start to love what God loves, and hate what God hates. 

Thought maybe I'd start sharing a little bit of what I'm learning through this series that I'm listening to. Driscol on Proverbs. There's more, but I can't type fast enough. I really like the bit about pulling weeds. That's a very practical picture. Apparently I'm a picture person. 

California and a Prayer Request

Two nights ago a friend of mine offered to buy me a bus ticket to California with him to live on the street for three weeks. I remembered that he offered me that two hours before the bus was leaving yesterday and called him and said I was going to come so my girlfriend, Brandi, gave me a sleeping bag and I packed a backpack said bye to my housemates and went to the station but the bus was full and the later buses were too much money, so I just came back to my house instead. 

Needless to say, it was an emotional afternoon. 

Me making that spontaneous of a decision really only leads me one conclusion, and that is that I am not happy where I am. I am not a particularly unhappy person in general, but I am stressed and depressed with the current state of living (i.e. - no money, not a whole lot of hope for money, not a whole lot of luck with a job, and not a whole lot of desire for a job because I'm restless and am pursuing tour plans soon, anyway). It's kind of like a big whirlpool of not-really-hopelessness-but-a-whole-lot-of-wondering. 

Although I will say, Chad Johnson's "Come and Live" blog is incredible. He just posted something brand new on the topic of "Waiting on the Lord" (go figure) and it's incredibly encouraging. I strongly encourage everyone to check it out. (http://comeandlive.blogspot.com/)

I am not 100% sure how I feel right now, but I am sad that I'm not a bum in California. I've been struggling with some things that I've struggled with for years and it's the most annoying thing in this entire world, and it completely kills my walk with the Lord. Not because I don't feel like he'd still love to spend time with me, but because after you fail you get this little devil in your ear that says you're not worthy to spend time with him... 

So if anyone finds the time to lift me up in prayer for my anonymous request, I would absolutely invite and appreciate the spiritual help. For anyone that knows me and knows males and anything deeply personal that I write about, it won't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, anyway. 

Life, 

as an open book. 

On a positive and exciting note, I met up with a "long-time-kind-of-friend" really randomly a couple of days ago (more like we ran into each other) - Donovan. And hopefully we will become "long-time-really-friends" soon. He's the worship leader at City on a Hill/Mars Hill Church and he was a very encouraging voice on a day that much needed it. Apparently he's leading a small group for the church and offered to have me a part of it, which is rad. Hopefully this will mean getting plugged in to a long-awaited, more personal accountability. It will be hit and miss, because of plans to tour, but it will be something. 

God is good. I believe this. I was reminded of something that I wrote a long time ago that will proceed this for anyone interested in reading it. It's kind of "emo" - if that's still a style, but I think I used to be pretty emo four years ago. I probably still am. Haha. And to those of you out there that love and pray for me, thank you. I hope you know I do the same. 

The Waltz

 

God I’ve no idea what to say to you

But I feel like crying

I’ve no idea how to tell you how I feel

I guess I don’t have to

Hey, if the grass is greener on the other side

What happens once I hop the fence?

Anybody?

God, I’ve no idea how I feel inside

But I know you can make me right

If I could only reach out and touch

Your footprint in the mud…

My fingertips are not worthy enough

If I could only reach out and touch

The hem of your cloak…

God, I’m trying to imagine a smile on my face

I remember you thought it was beautiful

If the grass is greener on the other side

I must not be seeing you

I’ve no idea how to make this sound believable but…

I love you

If I could do something to prove it, I would

Listen, it’s raining so hard now

And I still can’t force myself to dance

 

Jesus, teach me the waltz

I can’t do this alone

A Way Out

No matter what the temptation, the Lord is faithful, and he will always provide you with a way out. That's right, isn't it? 

"But she's screaming at me from that screen!?

"But it's just too hard to say 'no!'" 

"But, but, but..."

Man, the crappiest thing ever is when you're in the middle of some sort of thing that you're not supposed to be in the middle of, whatever it is, and you hear that conscience screaming in your head: "This is your way out. Don't do this. You can still not do this. I can help you pull away." 

And you're like, "Yeah, well one more time won't hurt."

And your conscience, your spirit inside you says, "Well it's hurting me." 

And you ignore it like you do every single time cause that instant gratification is just so within your grasp. It's so frickin' enticing, and I'm

so

used

to

giving

it

what

it

wants

.

God! I can't bear this crap anymore. 

"Once an addict, always an addict."

No matter what the temptation, the Lord is faithful, and he will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. Isn't that right?

Yeah, Lord, well step aside. I believe you, but I'm strong enough to resist this on my own. 

"Thanks, but no thanks."

I'll come running back to you once I've failed again and I need a favor. 

The answer to how a horny guy is supposed to stay pure when girls at concerts run around naked:

~ if he has a beautiful and pure girlfriend named Brandi, that's how.

YOU'RE SCREWED! 

The Community and its Workers

So I talked to Chase, who is the awesome person that gave me a chance in his studio back when I recorded that first demo to take to HM with me, and he's going to get me back in to record the entire album that I'd like to get pressed by mid-month. I know I've said this two million times over the last eight months (holy crap I can't believe it's been that long), but it's actually going to happen. I got a couple tour offers (which I'm excited about) for July and on, and I want to have something to take out with me. 

I realize a spoken word CD shouldn't be as complicated as I'm making it, and it will probably be a lot less than what I've talked it up to be for me, but I'm excited about it. So there it is. Expect some new recordings and posted dates to be up around the middle/end of next month. I'm excited to finally get out on the road with some people. We'll see how the rest of people that don't live in my hometown respond. 

The church that I'm in love with in ABQ - City on a Hill - is going to become a satellite campus for Mark Driscol's Mars Hill officially in July. It's kind of a bittersweet thing, because I love the pastor here, but in all honesty, I fell in love with Driscol's pastoral abilities last year and have been listening to him ever since. But I'm finally getting plugged in there, which is something that I've wanted to do for years (literally, unfortunately), but haven't because I've been following my girlfriend around to other churches that she's more interested in. Not to say that's a bad thing, the Lord can work through whatever means necessary to speak into our lives, and I don't believe it's about the place anyway, and I think that making a mutual church a part of our relationship is more important than which church it is. However, I've felt the Lord pulling my heart towards City on a Hill since I've lived here, and I'm very excited to finally call it home. 

The other day Bruscas (the pastor now) did this teaching on how God will hold me responsible for what I do (and don't do, for that matter). And in what I do, I may very find myself screwing up everything, but God is sovereign in those imperfections, and he has the ability to transcend all decisions and - essentially - make all things good for those that love him. And if I allow him, God will heal me. Here's a couple things that I pulled out of that:

Don't let your hearing become dull, don't let your heart become calloused. And let the question, "AM I RECONCILED TO GOD?" be a question that keeps me awake at night. 

I thought this was an interesting point to make, because I just listened to this teaching by Driscol that was about Proverbs and the heart, and how all things flow from the heart, and how simple it is to let my heart become calloused, which causes an outflow of sin that is a direct result of my insufficiencies, and unable to be blamed on anyone else. 

And that is interesting, because both of these teachings were about community. Driscol said that "there is a direct result between the condition of the human heart, the living of the human life, and the forming of human cultures." And we want our culture to reflect the kingdom of God among us. And how do we know that the kingdom of God is among us? Bruscas said the picture the Bible paints of this community is one composed of rightness among us. Of loving and treating each other in right relationship, which will result in joy. 

And all of this reminded me of a book called Sex God by a dude name Rob Bell, and he said simply:

"With every decision that we make, we are either inviting heaven or hell to earth."

And somehow that line has always stuck with me and I've always thought that was beautiful, because it's so simple, and it seams like such a wonderful, understandable concept in light of where we are to be in relation with our hearts, relationships and communities. 

I don't know if any of that makes sense at all, or if I just rambled on for a very long time, but somewhere in my head I think that these things came together in some sort of way that flicked the switch on a light-bulb that I've forgotten about, and I'm excited and thankful to Jesus for that. 

There is work to be done. 

I am a worker,

and God has gifted me with the responsibility

of working as unto him.

And the harvest is great, 

but the workers are fighting.

But I want to participate 

in the advancement of the kingdom of God. 

So Long, my Lord

So long as we are lost in the shadows

            Your memory will fade into the ash beneath our feet.

 

So long as we wallow in our self importance

Your pricelessness will be buried beneath our egotistical mindset.

 

So long as we sink in our pocketfuls of power

Your golden streets will relinquish beneath the hierarchy of our currency.

 

So long as sameness defines our acceptance into society

Your uniqueness will be doused in the fumes of our cultures’ favorite hair dye.

 

So long as morality is drowned in the perversity of the latest fashion

statement Your purity will do the same.

 

So long as Your gift is mistaken for reward

Your death will lose all meaning in the regulations of religiosity.

 

So long as we remember ourselves

            You will be forgotten.

 

So long, my Lord.

Oh The Blood

One of my best friends - Gage Speas - left ABQ yesterday morning to move to Kentucky to join the band "Oh The Blood" (www.myspace.com/ohthebloodband). Be sure to check those guys out. It was funny - me and all my friends just acted all pissed at him and told him we hope his dreams fail so that he comes back home to us. Haha. I'm super excited for him - chasing those dreams. The Lord is opening doors for him, and I'm happy that he's walking through them. 

The tour that I booked is finally over. It ended this previous Thursday. Good God, those last couple of months were probably the most stressful times I've ever encountered with that tour, among other things. In the Midst of Lions are incredible guys, all of them - ITMOL, All Or Nothing, In Separate Cities and Tristan Betrayal - all incredible guys. I appreciate all of them so much for going out on the VA Tour. (We're friends... if you ever read this, thank you, you guys are beautiful people.)

I started reading Searching for God Knows What by the notorious D. Miller for probably the second or third time this last week. That book (other than the Gospel) is probably the most influential book that I've ever read in regards to my spiritual "walk" ("Christianese") and overall forming of opinions about my relationship with God, and other people, for that matter. 

Anyway, so there's that. And I've been learning some new stuff and re-learning some old stuff through that. Pretty much, I picked up that book because I don't even know where to start in the Bible, which is what I'd like to be excited about reading, but I'm just not. 

Or, I wasn't. But I picked up Proverbs last week and I'm still not thrilled about it, but it's growing on me and honestly it's just completely stupid how relevant that book is when you pick it back up again. It's like - okay - what am I going to read? Pick up Proverbs. 

Gain wisdom. 

Listen to good counsel.

Pay heed to your parent's insight.

Stay away from the immoral woman. 

Loyalty. 

Accepting correction. 

Okay cool then well how's about we speak directly and forcefully into all of the exact places that would probably be fantastic for me to learn about? Freakin' A. But you know I can't help but smile about stuff like this. I'm not a big believer in the whole "well for my personal Bible studies I just close my eyes and flip the Bible open and point and then read for five minutes from there" - but it was cool knowing that the Lord had something to say to me and he guided me there when I didn't know where to start. 

So my car's broken down right now. I need a new battery, I think, but I can't afford a new battery, so I'm investing in used Craigslist bike tires and I'm going to get in shape which is a lot better than driving anyway. I am going to tour this summer. I don't know how. I want to pull a little hobo thing for a while and hitchhike around and travel - I think that I would just like to split, basically. I'm working on some new material and have talked to a couple people about throwing down some recordings for the demo (which I'm probably going to have to go into debt to do, but what artist doesn't, right?) and getting that out. Top priority. TOP. (Other than rent...)

Veil Arms is going well though. We have A Plea for Purging and whole bunch of amazing bands on that package this... uh... Tuesday. At Telos House. If ya'll would like to come down that would be fantastic. I'm really excited about that show. 

So this poem came out of my Proverbs readings:

BE THE CHANGE...

...said vipers! tigers!
reassemble, rearrange!
(i long to live as a lion so i violently tuff up my mane)
oh high king of heaven,
my victory won!!
(but i could still taste the soot in my lungs
when that chorus was finally sung)
i called you so often, but you never came
i reached out to you! but you paid no attention
and as wisdom shouts out into the noisy streets
i will cusp my ears tight in stubborn pretension
("how terrible for you who lie awake at night, thinking up evil plans")
BARREL LOADED!!! (to your brother...)
Abel! run for cover!
if you tilt, i tilt your world in my hands -
take up my life with fraud and violence, and serpent i will meet your demands!

bag lady, you know I heard you sing and
(or rumor has it) you believed in me
...and december's finally set me free... 
(but Mary! i've forgotten just what it means to breathe!)
and as she held baby jesus so very closely (to her bosom, to her soul)
i will cling tightly to my demons in the dark and imagine what it's like
to be
entirely
whole!!!!

singers, did you feel the ground shake beneath you
when your mustard seed fell deep in dark soil?
but i called out "TORTURE!" amongst the scoffers
(and though the ground is once more fertile)
i recoil...

...I RECOIL!!!...

and as his mother's blood begins to boil,
(and as we pollute god's lips with gin and oil)
i've ne're witnessed such turmoil

as when his heart reflected mine! (and, oh, on that note, my god died)

be the change!
said mother, father,
brother, sister, son, daughter,
i come to you (the porno pauper) with understanding in my open hands
and a tired knowledge in my eyes
(if this beauty is so sacred, how does it sell so fast?) 
i still remember the first time i died ... 
-and oh so unknowingly- gave it a second try

BUT LOVE IS PATIENT!!! LOVE IS KIND!!!
and somewhere amongst this mishap i was allowed to survive

be the change, said angels, demons,
reassemble, rearrange!
i long to live as a lion
so i study him studying me violently tuff up my mane...